In which the main characters of this work are introduced...

"Ah, we shall get on together, Mr Fogg and I!"

Chapter Two

I feel, before I get started on this blog proper, that it would be useful, in the manner of the best structured works, to introduce all the characters who might be likely to pop up. Please don't attempt to read the whole thing, unless you're really interested- it's intended more as a reference for things that appear in later posts. This will be subject to later expansions and revisions, if I can be bothered.

My family

Mum
My mother disagrees with Life of Brian. She also can’t see why people are “so snobby” about the Daily Mail. This disqualifies her from gaining any of my esteem. However, I suppose she’s an alright kind of person. Y’know, if a loving, supportive mother’s your scene. She’s a few inches taller than me, with a distinctive mane of curly hair and a slight Mediterranean look, both of which come from her half-Jewish heritage. But she’s always very pleased when people come up to her on holiday in Spain or Greece and speak to her in the language, mistaking her for a local. She’s not always the easiest person to live with, particularly if you’re chronically clumsy like me, seeing as her temper flares up at the smallest excuse and every single breakable object in the house seems to be “precious”. But although she gets angry quickly, she’ll always come and apologise pretty soon afterwards, which I love her for. And she’s always good for a hug when it’s needed. Also, she is a quiz whiz, adamant that she “knows what she knows”, avidly watching Pointless and Eggheads, and takes great pleasure in subjecting my father to the ritual humiliation of taking her on in the weekly quiz in the paper, which she always beats him in.

Dad
Oh, dad, dad, dad. Where to begin? Let’s just say that Dad grew up in Western Australia, and it’s never truly left him. He’s not the most tactful or politically correct of people- rather bizarrely, for a barrister. When we go to Chinese restaurants, he’ll put on some very dodgy accent when ordering from the waiter and make you want to hide under the table. He did the same, once, when we went on holiday to Barbados, constantly asking the hotel staff for “salt dat poour”. And despite being surrounded by women all his life (he has three sisters and two daughters), all the various nuances of feelings seem to baffle him. Still, it has to be said, no-one ever seems to dislike him- the Bajans, for example, seemed to be highly amused by his attempts to use local slang he read out of the guidebook. I suspect, although this is mostly conjecture, that he’s really as big a softie as me at heart.

Tina
No-one believes Tina and I are sisters, but we’re really very alike. Not looks-wise – Tina, for a start, is a lot prettier, and she has inherited our parents’ dark colouring and mum’s curly hair, while I am a recessive gene/milkman child. She’s also a lot cooler and more sociable. But we have similar skills- both of us seem to have a knack for languages and do well at school, and we share a similar sense of humour- we watch Russell Howard, The Big Bang Theory and Friends together. Of course, because we’re so alike, we do have our little disagreements. And there’s a definite dose of sibling rivalry in there, seeing as I’m the oldest and The Parents often let me get away with more. But we are always able to laugh together, and sometimes it’s like having a best friend around the house.

Tina and I having a very mature moment on holiday

Other Animals

Snowy
Our dog- unsurprisingly, a small, white one (a West Highland White Terrier, to be precise). His highly original name is courtesy of Granny, who we bought him for. She couldn’t keep him, so he reverted to us, but the name stuck. Still, I reckon it’s better than Wesley, which is what Mum would have called him if she’d had her way. He’s very cute, but kind of old and pudgy now- he waddles rather than walks, thanks to the quantities of scrap spaghetti bolognaise he’s been given over the years. He’s also arthritic, and limps in one foot when you take him for walks, which is about the saddest thing ever. Also good for a hug when you’re feeling down.

                                                     Snowy under the tree this Christmas


The Mice
The unwanted, trap-defying guests in our house. Douglas Adams reckoned mice were the superior intelligence on this planet, and since a particularly active family decided to keep me company in my room, I find myself wondering whether he was on to something. Seriously, they must be some weird mutant mice with superpowers. They dodge all the traps and, on one memorable occasion, ran right across my room, brazen as you please. Be afraid, humanity. Be very, very afraid…

Friends

Mia
One of my best friends, and perhaps the most intelligent, and yet the most childish person I know. I spend every lunchtime hanging out with her in our form room, T10, which we monopolise for ourselves (everyone else seems somehow too scared to come in…), philosophising on various topics ranging from why euthanasia and abortion should be allowed to “If you could have a new sandwich filling named after you, what ingredients would it contain?”. She and Polly are practically a married couple, and they have a blog as well if you’re interested: http://pinuppoets.tumblr.com/.

Hannah
Being friends with Hannah is rather like being caught up in a whirlwind, or a giant supernova of productive energy. Except a little less messy. I don’t know where she gets half the time to do all the things she does: four A-levels, D of E, our magazine, sailing, helping out at synagogue, having a social life…she also is very nice, and gives me dried mango and occasionally honey cakes. We’ve been sending each other our writing since we were very little, and I owe her a lot for trawling through it. Oh, also, she adores the word “chillax”, so, should you ever meet her, be sure to use it…

Polly “the Absentee”
Polly used to go to our school and form the third in the Unholy Trinity of T10. Now she’s moved to another school for a year, but still very much here in spirit. We have spent many a happy hour in slavophilic conversations, seeing as she’s Polish and I’m learning Russian. Other notable qualities include a superhuman appetite for chicken and a superhuman aptitude for browsing the vintage shops in Camden.

Emily “New”
Emily defies description. I can safely say there is no-one else like her in the whole world, and that if you’d met her, you would know. She is more a force of nature than a person, a package of incessant cheerful chatter, laughter, hormones and the wackiest opinions known to man. She exploded into our school some time around year nine, and, after some initial astonishment, has become somewhat of a legend in our year. Whatever happens, she’ll cheer you up. She is also, incidentally, looking for some adventure and a nice hunky man, gentlemen, and is not half bad looking…please register your interest on the back of £50 notes, sent to the author…

Maddie
One day a future star of the West End- whether as an actress, a director or a writer. She takes me to musicals and concerts, including the very epic Green Day at Wembley. Furthermore, she has introduced me to many things my life would be so much bleaker without, most prominent among them Monty Python. To her, in salute, I raise a hearty: ni! ni! ni!

Schoolfriends, Aquaintances, Wellwishers…

Tasha “Head Girl”
Our head girl, and my classmate in French and History. Will always come in to class late, flustered, and with a cup of coffee in hand, which she will promptly spill everywhere. She is also absolutely lovely, if occasionally rather distracting in lessons when she “will not cooperate” with a piece of work. Tends to get upbraided by the rest of us for any minor slip with “Now, Tasha, that is not Head Girl behaviour”.

Emily “Dr No”
There are, in fact, five Emilys in our year (which perhaps reveals a lot about the social make up of our school), so I will have to refer to a couple of them by nicknames. This one is in my History class and my form. A quiet girl with a very feline vibe, she is extremely clever, but in a very ninja sort of way. She’ll sit there, silent, with one eyebrow raised, and just absorb the information. Then she’ll come out with one of the highest scoring essays in the class. Definitely wouldn’t want to pit my wits against her in a spy war.

Emily “Emily-from-Latin-class Emily”
There are only two of us in our Latin class- me and Emily. She’s very nice, part Greek, and also, like me, happens to be left-handed. In fact, our A-Level Latin class has always been entirely left-handed, as Catherine, who was with us last year, was another.

Catherine
Loud, exuberant, and bouncy, Catherine rather reminds me of Tigger crossed with a calculator. She’s going on to study maths at Cambridge, and must be the proud owner of a small truckload of Maths Challenge certificates. She is also, though you perhaps wouldn’t expect it, a little bit boy crazy. Most memorable quotes include “I like sex. I don’t like incest”.

Laura “Cloud Queen” 
Laura, who’s going on to study Geography at Oxford, can often seem like she’s swallowed a box set of QI. This means she has the same propensity for genteelly correcting you on things you thought you knew, which, while undoubtedly “quite interesting”, you certainly have to be in the right mood for. Then again, her enthusiasm for Geography (particularly cloud formations) is impressive, and she has a quirkiness about her which can be quite endearing- such as when she turns cartwheels during lunch. We also practically share a birthday- I was born on the 24th of November, and she on the 25th.

Claudia
My history classmate, and one of the most forceful personalities you will probably ever meet. She can be very intimidating. Really. Claudia, if you’re reading this, please don’t hit me. She is mistress of the scornful look and the probing question. Thunderstorm reckons she should be a teacher.

Katie
Katie sits next to me in History and is often my partner. Which is absolutely fine by me, because she’s one of the nicest people I know. She also, like me, Laura and Hannah, goes to basketball club before school on Friday, where she never ceases to amaze me in her ability to intercept the ball. I always call her “the Jumping Bean” in my head for it. Although no taller than me, she always jumps to a surprising height in just the right time and place to intercept a pass. I keep on meaning to check her trainers for springs.

Teachers

Thunderstorm
Queen of the History department, Thunderstorm rules a class with her tough but fair attitude and the acid sarcasm she doles out in response to stupid questions or time-wasting. This happens particularly often in my high-spirited and talkative class. Yet there are few who fail to like her, and she just so happens to teach my favourite side of the course- the Angevins. She also lets us bring in themed cake to eat in the lesson.

Signior P
Signior P only came to us after half term, when our old history teacher, who we all adored, went on maternity leave. We have all come to like Signior P and his Italian accent just as much, though. As we’re really knuckling down to coursework now, the lessons mostly just consist of note-making, but before we had chaotic and very fun lessons, where we did about five activities in as many minutes, and, on one memorable occasion, even tossed a balloon around the room.

Magistra Pavo
My Latin teacher and the head of sixth form. Permanently snowed under with work, she is nevertheless always cheerful, kind, and approachable. She brought me in a little cake on my birthday to have in Latin, and manages to transfer her enthusiasm for Catullus to me and Emily, and not make it awkward, especially seeing as some of Catullus’ work can have some…ahem…adult themes at times. Also did a full ballet dance to introduce sixth-form karaoke (which is in fact an inter-form dance contest we do every year), so respect to her.

Magister
Our other Latin teacher, new this year. A rather awesome dude.  Always dapperly dressed, with brightly coloured little handkerchiefs he puts in the breast pocket of his suits. Has a habit of going on about "Yoda" when talking about Latin syntax.

Princesse
Our French teacher is loved by all the students she teaches. Four of us, including Tasha, were in a small, exclusive class with her last year, which was the best lesson of the week. She used to let us get coffee, play us French music and show us pictures of her children, Sam and Anna. Now the classes have been merged, and coffee and pictures of Sam and Anna occur less frequently, but she is no less popular. She dislikes how we always refer to teachers by their surname, so once, when she heard us doing it with her name, we had to put a “princesse” on the front, and the name stuck. It is also very funny when she comes back from holiday in France and her accent has gone even Frencher.

Madame
Very serious, and almost as methodical and precisely regulated as Phileas Fogg, Madame is the straight-faced foil to Princesse’s more easygoing attitude, although sometimes does seem a little amused by our class’ attitude. She teaches us La Peste by Camus, which many of us complain about and most of us haven’t got to the end of, valiantly trying to make us like the oh-so-earnest main character Rieux.

The Frau
The indomitable, inimitable head of languages. There may be many Frau Somethingorothers, but there is only one Frau, with her unerring German timing and organisation, her mania for vocab tests and her idiosyncratic use of English words (she is particularly fond of “zoom” and “phenomenal”). Although a driven and exacting teacher who gets results, you also get the impression, in the discussions you have over the literature and over various current affairs, and in the stories she will occasionally tell in the lesson, that she is a genuinely nice person. Whatever way you see it, she is certainly a legend amongst her students.

The New One
Our German education has been somewhat disrupted, as our first teacher left to have a baby and our second, Frau K- well, she’s a long story. We’ve just got her replacement, and it’s really too early to say what she’s going to be like. She seems nice in the couple of lessons so far we’ve had…so, watch this space.

 
Our History class- our teacher was going on maternity leave.